We are all capable of being abusive but not all of us are motivated or even capable of performing long-term abuse - things such as our self-image, conscience and life-purpose tend to get in the way.
Whenever we feel compelled to behave in such a way, for whatever reason, this will usually be accompanied by a wish to leave the situation compelling us to behave that way and return to being the 'kind of person' we unconsciously see ourselves as.
'This isn't me - I'm not this kind of person' is the kind of message you get from your unconscious if you are behaving abusively and have tuned into the fact.
Genuine abusers:
- take pride in and enjoy the power provided by their position in the relationship
- believe their 'victim' to be stupid - you were stupid enough to put yourself in a position to be treated this way by them and you are stupid enough to continue to put up with it
- have the ability to justify their actions externally to others, or will put you in a position whereby you provide that justification yourself eg you act nervously and needy in their presence
- know what they are doing is 'socially wrong' but believe they must do it or lose their power over their own life - it is a fight for control - they will often do these things so the victim will not know they are being done
- when asked direct questions or to stick to non-abusive agreements abusers will avoid giving straight answers and even when they do may say the opposite of what they really intend; they will find ways to break their agreements and take pleasure in the pain this causes as the key motivation for them is keeping you off balance; denying you power in the relationship and putting themselves even further in control.
The very fact you are approaching them with a view to making the relationship work tells them they have this power over you and reinforces the motivation for continuing to treat you this way. If, when you are trying to make the relationship work for you, they say things like 'if you don't like it you know where the door is' you should perhaps take that door.
Are You the Abuser?
One of the dangers of being in a relationship with a psychologically (or physically) abusive person is that you may, in the process of defending yourself or trying to make the relationship work, become abusive yourself. You could be trying to dominate the person into a new way of life so they will see the 'truth'. This cannot be done and you are providing the other person with their justification for continuing their power-centred war against you.
An additional problem develops in that by remaining with them you are also training in manipulative techniques yourself and when you leave the relationship you will take any unconscious behaviours and attitudes learned with you into future relationships.
Spending time with people who are manipulative and power-centred for extended periods of time will teach you to become manipulative and power-centred in a bid to recapture your own lost sense of power. The emphasis needs to be on not putting ourselves in a position where this kind of abusive behavioural cycle exists in the first place.
There are people who take great pleasure in having someone struggle for years, in good faith, to make a relationship or a business work and then 'pull the rug' from under them.
Personal examples include:
- a male friend with a thriving hotel who's partner secretly spent years transferring ownership of their joint goods without his awareness and then suddenly made him penniless, businessless, homeless and left him to pay a huge tax bill
- a man who 'out of the kindness of his heart' married a woman receiving radiotherapy for what was thought to be terminal cancer - she was terrified her children would be left without a parent and he agreed to take care of them if she died - however she made a full recovery and over the next 9 months he attempted to kill her by poisoning her food - in court it was revealed he had married her just to get her home and had also been sexually assaulting her 11 year-old daughter.
Some tips on identifying and avoiding current and potentially abusive relationships:
Listen:
- to your intuition - if someone seems too charming or good to be true they may well be - listen to what they ACTUALLY say and how your gut instinct reacts to that - for example if you tell a long-term partner something like 'it's ages since you told me you love me' and they come back with 'well if I do what else will you want me to do - jump through hoops?' listen to what that says to you and make decisions accordingly - don't fill in the gaps with your own hope mechanism and imagination
- If a person often says 'but look at what I've done for you' in a bid to get something from you the relationship may be based on manipulation and material goods - you are not regarded as a human being but as a slave
- listen to what is not said - people who are in the business of playing mind games with you will either tell you what you want to hear in order to shut you up or will never give you a straight answer - if they act secretively you have a problem and if they respond with silence a lot they are either punishing you or simply do not wish to relate to you - in either case, do you want to be there?
Observe:
- When in the company of others do they remain with you for others to see or do they act as though you are an unwanted stalker? If you go out together but continually find you are not 'together when you go out together' something is wrong in the way they see you - your company is not valued and they may feel ashamed to be seen with you - there is nothing you can do about this, this is for them to change - by complaining about it you again assume the role of the victim
- Are they there for you during your emotionally difficult or happy times eg when you start a new activity do they take an interest? When they have similarly emotional moments are you allowed to be there for them? Do they accept your presence or are they keeping you at a distance and not communicating with you? Psychologically abusive people find the idea of opening up to and being dependent on their targets, even for a short while, repugnant - their need to keep power and status and not hand it over to you is too strong - if you find yourself wondering 'what am I doing here?' because you feel as though you're being kept at a distance and you're missing out on the most important things supposed to be a part of a relationship do not criticise yourself for feeling too needy - you are being denied a normal human relationship
- do they regard you as a functionary and not as a complete human being - are you 'of use' to them? Whether you're a woman being used only for sex or a man being used for money, whatever 'function' it is - once the function has been satisfied you as a person are no longer required - have you noticed they act as though they like you only at certain times - does your wife only seem to like you when you're creating your next baby? Be wary, be very wary.
People are not here to 'serve' each other, they are here to be who they are. If you are with someone who sees you only as a functionary you are willingly taking on the role of a slave and will find the majority of who you are is being suppressed in exchange for the relationship - this forces you into a tit-for-tat relationship model. Do you want to suppress who they are as a result?
Keep an eye out for questions raised very early on that relate to functional performance such as:
- What kind of car do you drive? (if you say 'I don't drive' watch the lights in their eyes switch off - they wanted a taxi driver)
- I bet I can persuade you to have a baby with me (said usually by women who feel they are running out of time to have a baby and who hardly know the man they are talking to - there are many women about who see men as there to provide a child but not there to act in the role of father - men, don't make the mistake of thinking that because she wants a baby she wants you - what you want does not come into this kind of equation - you are not actually regarded as a person in this situation)
- What kind of sex are you into? (if you are a man or a woman and you receive a strong sexual approach almost immediately be aware this is not a 'relationship' starting here - you are a function and the person themselves may regard themselves as a 'functionary' you may wish to use - if you enter into such a relationship there is a strong possibility you are simply in a mutually abusive relationship).
Watch out for people who sit in judgement on others a lot - this is an avoidance technique abusers use to turn attention away from their own behaviour - they will undermine you; you need to either keep them at a distance or remove them from your life.
Listen and Observe How You Talk and Behave in Regard to Yourself
- Never tell yourself you are over-sensitive and if you are telling yourself that - stop it! You are denying who you are and what's really going on in your life - your intuition talks to you mostly through your feelings. However, this does not mean you should go only towards situations in which you feel 'good' - feeling even worse for a while is often the price of things feeling better in the long term - for example you may have to go through a painful break-up first in order to remove your emotional attachment to an abusive partner
- Ignore your 'hope' mechanism when it comes to deciding who to spend time with and rely solely on your judgement of how you're being treated right now - today. The hope in a relationship should be a shared hope - not a mechanism you use alone to patch up the gaps and soften the pain of what is really happening. The reason you feel under-valued and bullied in an abusive relationship is because you are under-valued and you are being bullied, it's that simple. How a person treats you today is how th ey will treat you tomorrow. Unless they admit to treating you poorly and agree to adjusting their behaviour - and you can see these changes taking place - always assume how they treat you today is how they genuinely want to treat you.
- Are you continually apologising to them for upsetting them because you'll do anything to make the relationship work and don't mind 'losing face' if that's what it takes? Well, they've got you hung, drawn and quartered my friend. You're apologising for responding negatively to their abusive tactics. Think about that.
- Trust yourself and not your abuser - victims of psychological abuse often mistrust themselves - at some point they opened up to the 'goodness' of the other person, gave them an 'eternal glowing image' (this is sometimes known as the 'halo effect' and now they're having trouble re-adjusting the 'angelic' picture - abusers are often very good at projecting an attractive social image and we don't like to be wrong about our judgements about others and we certainly don't like to 'demonise' those we have done important life changing things with (something that habitual abusers do like to do) - allow yourself to be 'wrong' even if it means accepting you have been wrong for the past 20 years.
In the next and final post on this topic we'll look at:
- Re-establishing Control
- The Third Relationship
- using the the systems approach template in helping ourselves to give a sense of structure to the way we approach relationships in which we feel we have lost power.
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