Emotional Wellness – Are You Worth It?

Some people tell me they are emotionally ill – but resent having to pay out any money towards getting better.

Some will not give themselves the time it takes and always have something else that needs doing first.  They always have that something or someone else who needs their support more than they want their own self-care.

Others will not take the risk of trying methods that may not work to find the method that will - and some will find ways to mistrust my advice because if they do trust my advice that would mean they would have to act on that advice.

It means they have to feel the trapped pain they are running from inside.  Dangerous stuff, eh?

I know where these folks are coming from.  I used to think just like them.  It is partly due to fear of wasting valuable time; partly due to fear of being taken for a fool or looking like one when they fail but mostly … mostly it is because they do not think they are worth it.  Emotionally ill people often get that way by repeatedly refusing to validate themselves.

The time involved?  They do not deserve it.

Money to pay?  It should go towards something real and tangible.

The peaceful state waiting for them at the end of the process?  It is not there waiting for them.  It waits for others, but not for them.

I was emotionally ill for a couple of decades but then one day …

I remember one day being out and about with a group of people I cared about who made the day a living hell for me.  I had many similar days like it.  Not one of those folks cared if I had a good day or a bad day.

In the decade prior to that day I could count the number of times they had said something nice to me on the fingers of one hand with three fingers to spare.  On that day I made a decision.  Time to stop adapting.  Time to stop absorbing and putting up with.

I had been Mr Sacrificial to other people for too long and it dawned on me on that day the folks I continually put myself out for and worried about did not care much if I was alive or dead.

On that day I thought to myself ‘I need to get more selfish because no-one is going to do this for me.  I am going to be emotionally ill for the rest of my life if I do not do it’.  And I began to sort myself out.  I started to make some tough decisions.  I decided I was worth it and I kept deciding I was and every day I am willing to make the same decision whenever it is needed.

Are you?  No-one else will do it for you.

Setting Aside Enough Time for the Process

Day to day emotional management for a normally emotionally  well person can take  a couple of minutes to a couple of hours a day depending on current life events – but to get through an obsession or a phobia can take continual hard work for weeks or months – are you willing to give yourself that time?

Finding Money for the Process

Counsellors cost money – they cost me about three and a half hours of my hourly salary time for one hour of their time.  I regard this as a personal coaching session; to me it is worth the money and I am worth the investment.

Are you?  I have spent hundreds of pounds buying books; downloadable materials and trying out different techniques that did not work but which taught me some new things I did not know before.  I regard all of this ‘waste’ as worth it.  Would you waste money on yourself in this way?

I spent several hundred pounds on a hypnotherapist who made no difference to my illness but helped me to learn how to relax better – I regard that as money well spent.  Would you?

Putting Yourself First

I have ended about seven valued relationships because although I valued the relationships the others allegedly relating to me did not.  They regarded me as useful but not as a person.  They resented my explaining to them how I felt about how they treated me – I discovered I had lots of responsibilities but no rights in these relationships.

Each relationship took several years between my thinking I might need to end it and its actually ending.

I did my best to save them but when it was obvious the other people concerned (all adults) would not see I was more than just a functionary in their lives and told me they had no intention of changing I decided in my own favour.

I am now very careful about who I allow into my persoal life – and I still lead a social, people-centred life.

You too may have to decide to value personal happiness above a ‘relationships at any cost’ mentality.  Are you worth that?

I think we are all worth it.

Regards - Carl

Jack Canfield tells you to Appreciate Yourself

I recently listened to two free mp3 recordings from Jack Canfield on how to keep a journal and lo and behold I'm now keeping a journal (and receiving more good free stuff and offers from Jack Canfield).   Just got the article on 'appreciating yourself' below from him.  What I like about Jack's stuff is the why he teaches you to focus on the small stuff - I know we had that 'don't sweat the small stuff' approach - which is useful for some issues - but I have to say I get richer and better experiences when I stop and explore the events of the day and week when I follow Jack Canfield's advice.

Hope you enjoy his article - appreciate yourself!

Acknowledge and Appreciate Yourself by Jack Canfield

Pop Quiz: When was the last time you acknowledged and appreciated yourself?

That’s right: YOU. Not your spouse, not your children, not your boss, co-workers or friends. Just YOU!

Seriously, think about it!

And if it’s been too long since your last pat on the back, then I want you to take the time right now to acknowledge and appreciate yourself for everything you've accomplished today, throughout the year, and in life.

Ask yourself: How many times have you succeeded in the past month? The past year? The past 10 years? Are you able to recall your successes as easily as your failures and missteps?

This is not a selfish or egotistical act in the least. By taking the time to stop and appreciate who you are and what you’ve achieved—and perhaps learned through a few mistakes, stumbles and losses—you actually can enhance everything about you!

Self-acknowledgment and appreciation are what give you the insights and awareness to move forward toward higher goals and accomplishments.

In working with top leaders and thought philosophers of our time, I will tell you that among their secrets of success is a regular practice of acknowledging and appreciating what they have.It can offer an oracle into the future because it not only tells you where you are but it also helps clarify where you want to go in life. Whatever that might be. The road then becomes easier to navigate—easier to see from the distance and walk confidently step by step.

Don’t forget to think about both big and little accomplishments. Many people under-appreciate the minor things they do successfully every day . And yet they can recall in detail all the times they have failed or made mistakes. That's because the brain remembers events more easily when they are accompanied by strong emotions.

For example, you might vividly recall a graduation, losing 10 pounds, having a child, winning an award, or landing a highly sought after position. But see if you can identify just as many minor, more subtle successes, such as your intimate conversation with your spouse last night, the re-connection you established with an estranged friend last month, the quality time you were able to spend with your children today, how you checked off all your list of To-Dos for the weekend, how you learned a new task at work, or got your kid to school on time.

These may seem like minor acts in the grand scheme of life, but they are what make us feel whole, happy, and accomplished along the journey toward those larger, and much more deeply satisfying moments.

Acknowledging your mistakes also has it pluses, but we often don’t have trouble recalling or mulling over those.

The point is, if you don't acknowledge your successes the same way you acknowledge your mistakes, you're sure to have a memory full of blunders. And a mind stuffed with negative chatter about the gaffes of life won’t fuel your energy, nor your confidence, creativity, and motivation to keep going.

Consider this, too: if you only remember the mistakes and failures, you won't be as ready to take risks that will lead to your successes. Build your self-esteem by recalling all the ways you have succeeded and your brain will be filled with images of you making your achievements happen again and again.

Give yourself permission to toot your own horn and don’t wait for anyone to praise you. Here are two suggestions:

1.) Record Your Personal History. Take time to write your achievements down. Start when you were very young and think of all your achievements since then. Don't just pick the major milestones; write down all the things you take for granted.

For example, if you list your college degree, write your appreciation for having the opportunity to go to college and forge friendships that will last a lifetime.

You can also create a log of success every day and review it when you are faced with a new challenge. By writing it all down daily, you're securing it in your long-term memory and it will become a part of what makes you tick. It can even become a source of positive reminders and affirmations for when you’re feeling down, as well as a personal record of you that becomes your legacy.

2.) Celebrate Yourself with Mementos. Surround yourself with reminders of your successes. Put up pictures, articles, trophies, awards and other pieces that bring your attention to your success. Make your environment speak to you about your achievements. Be proud of them!

By the way, showing appreciation for yourself and accomplishments has many rewards that go far beyond boosting your own self-confidence.

Appreciating yourself creates a cascading affect—your heightened confidence will spill over into other aspects of your life. Watch what happens when you gain that special trust in yourself. You’ll attract opportunities, experience more fulfilling relationships, and have no trouble reaching loftier goals.

Remember, people like to be around those who have a healthy self-esteem and who are achieving their goals. Commit to acknowledging your achievements and your brain will begin to tell you the truth: that you can do anything!

© 2009 Jack Canfield

Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com

I've put Jack's web address exactly as it should be but when I tried to go to his site I got a message saying 'the site is too busy' (well there's a surprise, eh?).  Let me know if you have any problems.

Do you have problems appreciating yourself in the way Jack suggests?  Leave a comment below and we'll chat about it.

Regards - Carl

Focusing On Building Self-Esteem

In my early thirties I spent two years of full-time training in a secretarial college and it was a really wonderful experience - having daily doses of positive talk from people who knew what they were talking about was an experience I'd never had before.  I find it hard to believe now, at 48 years' old, how negative the world is and how that negativity can gradually wear people down.

There was the odd little quip - for example one teacher told me she was amazed how good I was at typing; she'd had her doubts about me because I had fingers as thick as sausages.  But I was at the top of my class (of 40); mainly because I loved what I was doing.

There was the odd little glitch - another male in one group became jealous of my progress and invited me outside for a fight one day on the pretext I'd changed a printer switch over without his permission (he'd been upsetting everyone in the group for several months; he was a steroid using body-builder and had even threatened to hit one of the teachers over the head with a typewriter).  We had a bit of a confrontation and he left the next day.  I was determined I was going to complete that course.

Day after day for two years I made progress on the course but something else started to nag at me.  While the people at college gave me daily positive feedback, it highlighted for me there were people in my personal life who had been doing exactly the opposite for years - and they didn't like the fact I was getting positive feedback from the College.  It dawned on me that the other students at college were used to being treated this positive way and were being treated like that in their personal lives too, and that I'd got used to being treated like a second class person.  I started to focus on why I had come to accept this kind of treatment.

The Hawthorne Experiment

In the 1950's a series of experiments in an electrical component factory were carried out on workers to try and find out what motivated them to be more productive, known as the Hawthorne Effect, the test involved making working conditions much better and then much worse.  It was no surprise when productivity improved in line with improvements in working conditions - but it did come as a surprise when it continued to improve when the improved working conditions were removed.

What the testers discovered was that because the workers were being focused on they felt 'special' and had gelled as a team.  They felt important.  When I was at college I felt special, when I was at home I didn't.  So I changed my personal life.

Later when I had started work I came to work with a very aggressive boss for a while who, even when we had hit all our targets, was so charged up would take me in a room and vent their frustrations at me.  They'd tell me how slow I was; tell me how incompetent I was.  I was none of these things - and do you know what I could hear whenever that manager was ranting  at me?  The voices of my secretarial tutors telling me how I was one of their best students ever.  The manager's ranting was like water off a duck's back.

A few months went by and the manager was terminated after another member of staff complained about their behaviour.

Sadly there are people in the world who will wear you down - maybe sometimes because they lack self-esteem and by putting you down they feel somehow lifted.  To defend against this we must focus on the way we think and as a result our thinking will become special and start to improve - just like those Hawthorne workers.

Regards - Carl

Building Self Esteem

By Anthony White

Self esteem is your own personal view of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Everyone has a different view of themselves, but keeping a positive outlook will benefit you more than a negative one. Many individuals suffer from low self esteem for a variety of reasons and need to build their self esteem in order to succeed in life. Remember, the only one who can make you excel is you and no one else. The same goes for self esteem. The only person who can build up-or consequentially tear down-your self esteem is you. Although other individuals may aide the process, the end decision is yours.

People have low esteem for a variety of reasons. Some individuals suffer from poor body image and focus on all the negative traits of their physical appearance. Others have emotional issues that have caused their self esteem to drop or feel themselves unworthy of any praise. For whatever reasons your self esteem may falter, the key to building it up again is to find the root of the problem. Think of self esteem like a house, if you build a stunning house on a poor foundation, the entire structure will crumble. However, if you take steps to ensure the foundation is strong and capable of holding anything, the process may be slow, but your self esteem will be built soundly.

Many individuals look for help for their low self esteem in books or seminars. The number of available options on the market is phenomenal, and you are sure to find one on a topic that deals with your specific issues. Check out your local library or book store and explore their "self help" section for a book that you may find helpful. It is quite unlikely you will find the answers to all your problems in a book, but you may find it helpful to know others are in your same boat and you are certainly not alone. Additionally, you may wish to seek professional help in your quest to boost your self esteem. Often, speaking with a qualified individual can help you determine the root of your problem and the necessary path you should take for the rebuilding process. Perhaps your problems dates back to childhood, or maybe it has recently developed. Whatever the case, a professional will be able to best determine your next step.

A main factor in self esteem is negativity. Negative thoughts can erode your confidence and crumble your self esteem. If you find yourself surrounded by negative people or in a negative situation, try your best to remedy the problem. Often, individuals in an abusive relationship have their self esteem shattered when a supposed loved one constantly berates them and questions their worth. Similarly, a negative workplace environment can lower your self esteem with colleagues or bosses finding fault with your work. Maybe you have a friend who is consistently negative, always accompanied by clouds of doom and gloom. Whatever the source, distancing yourself from the negativity will help you regain your self esteem. Strive to surround yourself with positive people. If you are going through a rough time in your personal life, you may wish to join a support group. Similarly, there are support groups available for individuals with self image issues. These groups will allow you to meet other individuals like yourself and provide a forum for you to share your hopes and achievements.

However you choose to begin building your self esteem, do so today! Be thorough and consistent with the process and be aware it may take a while. You should not become impatient or despondent if you find your self esteem slipping. Remember, you are an important and worthy person and should treat yourself as such.

About the Author: Anthony White: I am always thirsty for knowledge & eager to share it. Please visit me at http://zenblanco.blogspot.com & http://atraffic.blogspot.com

Source: www.isnare.com

Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=26071&ca=Self+Help

Hope you enjoyed the article.  Here's my favourite self-esteem expert:


Afflink.

De-sensitising to Phobias, Panic Attacks; Obsessions and Other Disorders

In my article 'The Three Elements of Emotional Acceptance' I describe the three core elements of accepting and clearing an emotional response as being:

• the emotional response


• the issue or trigger to which the emotional response relates


• agreement before and after emotional clearance in order to achieve 'acceptance' (of the process)

and I explain we must 'unitise' the three elements - that is, bring them together and 'thread' the emotional response through the issue like cotton thread through the eye of a needle. You achieve this by repeatedly moving into the emotional response.  Of course it's not quite that simple - if it was we wouldn't get into these emotionally overcharged states in the first place.

Some trapped emotional responses can be cleared within 30 minutes; some have taken me several years to work towards and release - usually the more difficult to remove being related to events I experienced over 20 years ago.  Some triggering events have been 'sharp' while others are very vague for a while until we expand the viewpoint and recreate past scenarios that lasted over several years and involved several people.

Regardless of the emotional type, intensity or the triggering situation or issue that created the response, the basic method of repeatedly approaching the 'three core elements' has proved an effective strategy time after time for me and others I have spoken with - even if one of the three elements was weak or difficult to understand at times.

As you move towards 'unitisation' of the three elements you become increasingly aware there is a focal point where all meet.  The focal point may be external, internal or 'widebeam' (meaning you're probably actually making a social statement that you haven't quite heard yourself - I'll explain this further down).

Where the focal point for bringing the three elements together is located depends on which type of anxiety disorder you have (in reality it's not located anywhere other than in your own perception - but that may not be absolultely right.  The science of biophotonics suggests the centre of emotional energies lies just outside of our bodies and I always get a distinct sense of moving my body into an external emotional response when I do this kind of work.  It takes quite a bit of experimentation and honest intense self-observation; including paying attention to any 'visual cues' that your unconscious may send you, to figure out where the focal point for bringing all three elements together lies in regard to each and every emotional response.

People sometimes tell me they have only phobias but as they continue opening up to me I can tell they also have or are developing obsessions - they just haven't seen the difference between the two conditions in themselves yet.  When I advise them to start de-sensitising as soon as possible, and seek counselling support, their usual response is 'I'm not ready yet'.

The trouble is the longer you leave such things the worse they become because trapped anxiety conditions are 'active association builders' - they don't heal with time.  An intense emotional response held trapped within the body can easily generalise and as we fight the response it just produces more responses.  Waiting for the condition to 'calm down' before we decide to face up to it produces the opposite affect.

Phobias

In phobias the focal point for bringing the three elements together is external - so you have to move your body physically to the location of the object or situation to begin the de-sensitisation process.  You can achieve this using the power of the imagination alone but won't know if you've been completely successful until you're again in the presence of the physical object.

Having a phobia isn't so bad if what you're phobic about is something you rarely come across such as ancient stone bridges or hot air balloons (I would imagine de-sensitising to a hot air balloon could turn into an expensive hobby).  However, if the phobia relates to things like kitchen knives or birds or plastic piping (and I know people who are phobic to these things) life starts to become more difficult.

When I had my phobias I was phobic to street lights; pens; bollards; shovels; sweeping brushes; saucepans and several other objects (I had 14 phobias in all and I had trouble remembering what they were just now - that's how effective de-sensitisation is).  These phobias were also linked in to my obsessions.  The two external and internal focal points this created bounced and fed off each other.   Incidentally - you can still lead an apparently perfectly 'normal' external life while all this is going on simply by denying yourself the need to face your emotional pain.

All of the phobias and obsessions I had were sparked by a two year period of anxiety caused by a failing relationship that led to low self-esteem, followed by my reading a newspaper article that caused me to have a deeply shocking emotional reaction.  I was 21 when I read that article and it took me about 24 years to deal with my response to it.  I didn't deal with it because I thought it was 'silly' and I had 'bigger responsibilities to deal with'.  Look what happened to me.

In phobias developing a de-sensitisation programme involves moving towards an external trigger and allowing the emotional response to release while re-training the unconscious mind to see the situation differently.

Removing anxiety disorders is more about experiential learning, rather than mental learning - the actions of the body re-train the beliefs of the mind.  The training does eventually lead to the re-routing of neural pathways in the brain and until this is achieved there is a possibility of the reaction coming back as a 'setback'.  Repetitive retraining by going through the de-sensitisation process over and over again eventually makes the change permanent.  There comes a point when you can remember having the reaction, then almost missing it(!) once it has gone; and then you completely forget about it - unless you want to write blog posts about it and have my problem of remembering what you were afraid of, that is.

Obsessions

The focal point for bringing together the three elements of healing an obsession is held internally in the brain.  Obsessions are powered by intense trapped emotional responses attached to images (or sounds) held in our minds and in order to de-sensitise we must do exactly the same thing as we do with phobias - repeatedly move towards the trigger (the image or sound or whatever it is that keeps bothering us).  Incidentally, simply the suggestion of a shape is enough to trigger a panic attack when you have an obsession and that may sound strange until you consider what kind of a reaction you would normally have if you saw the shadow of a lion against your kitchen wall - shapes have meaning for us.

The great thing about having an obsession is the tools for healing are all built into you - no need for the production of a hot air balloon; the horrible thing is they never stop following you around.  The trick to healing an obsession is, for a while,  to become more obsessed about following it than it is about following you.  Only an obsessive can produce the determination it takes to call the bluff of an obsession.

Panic Attacks and Generalised Anxiety and/or Social Disorders

This is my experience - yours may be different - but all my panic attacks and general anxiety responses were based around 'vague' - at least at first that's how they appeared - triggers.  I learned to go 'widebeam' on the point of focus. Instead of moving towards a focal point where the three elements came together, I would sometimes find with these 'vague' problems that I was actually sending things outwards.  When your body wants to tell the world something important, it wants to tell both you and a whole collection of other people. It may not be that individual hot air balloons are the trigger - it could be a collection of hot air balloon pilots that you've got a problem with.

An example of this is where you had a traumatic childhood event happen to you and you can see it's going to happen again and you're trying to warn the relevant people that someone is at risk and they completely ignore you.  You may have stopped telling them about it verbally, but your body is still telling them about it emotionally.  Your logical mind may have forgotten the content (or trigger) that's causing your condition - but your body is still carrying on the fight.

It took me three months of daily practice before I could even get close to working on my obsessions effectively because every time I even considered 'going in' I would have an immediate intense panic attack.  And they would last for hours until I got distracted - after which time I just felt continually bad.  I could never quite see what it was I was afraid of - but by repeatedly going towards the obsessions I started to think differently and my unconscious started to produce lots of 'pictures' - which at first I completely ignored.

It started to dawn that the pictures were 'try this approach' plans my unconscious had started to produce - even in my sleep - and I started to use them - and they started to work.  Over months of this (I think we're talking about 18 months here) I developed a subjective viewpoint of what was occurring.  Like an evil scientist testing and experimenting on myself I gained a bigger picture of the 'subjective me' and I became aware I was developing a part of my mind I had previously been unaware of - I called it 'the Silent Observer' back then - I've discovered it's actually called the ARAS - the Ascending Reticular Activation System.  We've all got one and we all need to learn how to use it - because it's 'us'.

What I've learned is that eventually 'vague' becomes clear as day - there are no anxiety disorders without structured reasons and plans behind them.  It's really just a matter of how hard are you willing to work to find out what the plan is.  If you're looking at an emotional response and can't figure out what the focal trigger point is - go widebeam.

How to go widebeam?  Here's an example:  let's say you're having a strong reaction to a memory involving one person and you can't figure out what you're emotionally saying.  Just remain with that person, and look around for other related memories.  Add other people who were around at the time.  Think about other events that happened in the time period before and around that event.  Bring up other emotional responses (especially the painful ones).  Did you feel guilty about something then?  Do you STILL feel guilty about it now, knowing what you know with hindsight?  Challenge and question.

If you still haven't picked up the 'issue' you haven't spent long enough with the experience.  You can only de-sensitise when you've eventually discovered what it is you're saying to these people - and agreed to release the emotional charge.  Keep going in ... and look for what you're saying outwards ... re-build the entire social scenario if you have to ... eventually you find the widebeam focal point and kaboom - the energy is released and you actually end up liking yourself a whole lot more when you see the true motivation behind the feelings.

To summarise:

To de-sensitise to phobias we go towards external triggers; to de-sensitise to obsessions we go inwards to internal triggers; to de-sensitise to generalised conditions we go inwards and outwards and look for the 'widebeam' that we're projecting outwards.  Don't impose what you think the answer is; what for the answer to be presented to you.

Finally - I keep reading material by respected psychiatrists/psychologists (and bloggers) that say de-sensitisation doesn't work for obsessions and generalised disorders as well as it does for phobias - well, you could have fooled me. I have used de-sensitisation to remove at least 50 emotional blocks including fear, rage and disgust attacks - some of them easily, some of them with difficulty, some of them with very 'vague' triggers (at first).  The truth is you just have to keep 'going in to find out what's going on'.

Tomorrow I'm going to post about developing a detailed systematic de-sensitisation programme.

Please leave any comments or questions (or constructive criticisms) below or write to me at carl@managemesystems.com

Regards - Carl

Stress Reduction Tip - Don't Help Elderly People Cross the Road ...

... when they don't want to cross.

Seriously, you're in for a life of misery if you're trying to help people who resent it - and that resentment can come just after you've really put a lot of effort in on behalf of someone who initially approached and asked you for that help.  As soon as you sense this you need to get out of there or you will suffer stress as a result.  This life-lesson is really about learning to emotionally detach from a situation when reality is communicating to you that you should (and if you want to set yourself up as a professional helper you need to learn to do this as a matter-of-course).

I know we all get a kick out of helping people, particularly if it's in line with the kind of person 'we want to be' - but don't put the onus for being that person in the hands of others.  If Mother Teresa had to have every single person she helped giving her positive feedback before she felt able to move on to the next person it's unlikely she'd have achieved very much.  She was focused on a higher purpose that went beyond ego - if someone needing help refused it I doubt she would have pinned them down to help them because it somehow diminished her sense of self worth.

Learn to let go if you currently have trouble with this and are feeling hurt by people who treat you this way.  This is how people behave.

There are a hundred reasons why people don't want your help and it's a waste of time to try and explore those reasons like some needy kitten.  Go where you're wanted.

Detach from the desire to help people when they demonstrate the very first sign they don't want it.  In fact, let them chase you for the help (and if they were getting good advice from you but 'turned nasty' my advice would be to refuse the second time around).

Some personal experiences include people who:

• ask my advice on how to use a machine in the gym then treat me like a creep when I point out they're using dangerous form


• get my help and time in overcoming phobias then treat me as though I'm up to something else (I get this one particularly from females)


• take my advice on behavioural changes at work - which sometimes leads to them keeping their job - then ask me who the hell do I think I am? (I guess their egos feel a bit diminished by the revelation they don't know everything - I know I don't know everything so I don't mind advice from others).

I'm not saying don't help people, just make sure they want it.  Over time you get to spot the signs before you even start to help - some folks just need to teach themselves through the lessons that life provides as a natural side-affect of living rather than have you get in the way.  If you have someone blaming you for the life-lessons that come everybody's way get out of the way and stop playing punch-bag.

It's fine to be the kind of person who likes to help people but it's not fine when your sense of self-worth is based on whether or not those people accept your help.

When was the last time you tried helping someone to cross the road when they didn't want you to?  Those elderly folks really pack a punch, don't they?

- Carl

Technorati Profile

Elevator Phobia Email

I recently received an email from a blog member (Henry) - with his permission I've reprinted his email and a reply to him below.

Henry is overcoming a phobia of lifts/elevators and planes (I think closely related to claustrophobia in his case as he indicates he prefers lifts without people in them - I know someone who won't get in a lift unless it already has several people in it).

I've put links in Henry's original email so you can check out the articles he mentions.

Something to focus on here is that regardless of the type of anxiety disorder or emotional problem concerned, the overall approach to healing any emotional disorder is the same.  Once you develop and understand your own effective healing approach you will find this to be consistently true.  The free pdf (The Semantic Mind) I mention in my reply is what I'm working on now - I intended it to be on here weeks ago but I keep finding more to write - it should definitely be on here soon!  This document talks about focusing on your body as the source of the energy fuelling the problem, rather than what's going on in your brain.

One of the hardest stages of the healing process is to do what I call 'going into the out of' and Henry has already started this journey.  The stage he is at now reminds me of my own experience of healing the phobias and panic attacks I used to struggle with.

Speaking to other people about these things is also an important break-through step, particularly because it 'normalises' these conditions for us and they then start to appear more acceptable to our unconscious.  Self-criticism on the basis of  'normal versus abnormal' just gets in the way of healing.   I know many people in my day job, for example, who appear completely 'together' on the surface but have powerful long-term phobias they regard as 'strange' and therefore don't dare face or discuss.

Realising these conditions are normal life events (they're not desirable, but they are normal) is an important part of the healing journey and I hope I get this across in this post.  Anyway,  as always, I write too much.

Here's Henry's email:

Hi Carl,

I have wanted to contact you since reading your insightful article published on Helium.Com entitled "How to handle anxiety and panic attacks".

You have described the internal psychological and subconscious processes of anxiety disorders clearer than just about any other source that I have read. Now I am glad to come across "The Three Elements of Emotional Acceptance" on another site as well as your blog and email address.

I have an intense phobia of enclosed places including elevators and planes.  I can only really be in touch with my reaction when I am in the confines of an elevator or a plane.  I do try exposure on my own, but it is very measured and not prolonged or intensive enough.  I have also experienced some rare setbacks which have eroded my confidence and have confirmed or reminded me that I am unable or unwilling to tolerate these remote but painfully traumatic worst-case experiences.These setbacks include being momentarily stuck and what I call near-miss or as-if misinterpretations.

I try to approach elevators with mindfulness and intentions of acceptance such as: "It is OK to be stuck; I can wait it out if necessary; It is not dangerous just frustrating and uncomfortable; It is only my feeling or anxiety; Even if it is stuffy and poorly ventilated, I can still breathe if it got stuck".

This has helped to an extent, but my intentions and supporting experience are still weaker than the pain or expectation of pain that I experienced or that I expect when my unfulfilled reaction to escape is triggered.

I even had an elevator game where I would remain on a motionless, empty elevator with the door closed for several minutes or until it was summoned.

As you mentioned: "To remove all emotional blocks..the unconscious must be taken into the emotional block and kept there.. After a while the truth dawns that the lion is not really dangerous and the unconscious makes a permanent change".

I know that elevators are reliable and I will take them when not crowded or too stuffy, but I am still very apprehensive about tolerating the rare and unexpected scenario that I have briefly experienced in the past. I have been reluctant to engage a Cognitive-Behavioural therapist because I do not see how I can be assisted with this as I ultimately have to do it on my own.

Carl, I would appreciate any thoughts or feedback that you could share. Please feel free to contact me at your convenience.  Thanks for listening and for sharing the wonderful articles.

Here's my reply to Henry:

Hi Henry

Many thanks for getting in touch it's lovely to hear from you. That Helium article was one of the very first things I wrote in regard to emotional healing but I do get the occasional email from people just like yourself as a result of it. The internet is an amazing thing, eh?

At the moment I'm working on my book on healing obsessions and am writing a section called 'The Semantic Mind - Your Body' which I'm going to put on the blog as a free downloadable document and people with any kind of emotional disorder will find it interesting I think.

Writing this document has kept me away from the blog for about 6 weeks so I'm pleased you've got in touch as it gives me a chance to do a good post - you set such an excellent example of 'what to do' I couldn't resist doing this; thank you for agreeing to my using your email in this way.

Congratulate Yourself

Congratulate yourself on what you're doing - you're on the way. I worked with two people face to face about a year ago; one had a phobia of lifts and the other had a phobia of cats and neither could bring themselves to do what you've already started. I put a lot of effort into these folks and by the third meeting they just stopped turning up without telling me why (I suspect they developed a phobia of me!).  The mistake I think I made here was I tried to 'soften the blow' by giving them some of the theory first - I felt if I told them straight what they needed to do they'd just refuse - I no longer think that way.  You have already made the decision to get on with it so it's easier for me to reply to you.  I'd be interested to know if it was the Helium article that persuaded you to take these steps or if you were already planning this process and the article just spurred you on?

I notice you mention not being able to get exposure that's prolonged or intensive enough - sounds like you're a bit frustrated about that but keep going, you'll get there. I had a chap with panic attacks talking to me a while ago who told me his counsellor had given him similar advice to do what you're doing and he'd fallen out with the counsellor over it - I advised him to listen. That's a good counsellor.

Increasing the Intensity

You understand this concept well - the fact you're frustrated at not being able to do this shows you 'get it'.  I remember my own doctor telling me to 'take it easy' because she felt I was trying too hard to heal and I understand why she said this but it's sometimes like being on a roller-coaster ride when you're just going over a hill - it does what it does and it's actually harder to stop than it is to just continue.  At first glance a person reading this might wonder 'why does he want to make it worse?' but that's not what you're doing here.  What you're doing is moving closer to a trapped emotional charge held within the body - you're not creating new charge, you're moving towards discharge.

The only additional emotional response you're creating is the frustration at not being able to discharge what's trapped inside and that will pass if you continue as you are doing.  Eventually you will start to notice changes.

You are wondering how to increase the intensity (in other words how to move closer to the trapped charge). It would help if you could recreate the experience in your imagination' or by arranging a physical experience that's similar but closer to home/easier to get to. You will need to be able to do this systematically and without interruptions otherwise you won't be able to focus in for long enough.

At this point, however, having the intention of 'moving towards' will eventually get you there. Does shutting yourself in a small cupboard, for example, create the same affect? Don't do something that's actually dangerous though, eh?! You need to be comfortable 'in reality' whilst moving into your buried emotional sensations.

The unconscious performs a number of functions for us but one of the most important functions is to protect us from pain - this works great when you don't want to start the emotional discharge process but works against you when you do want to start but your unconscious is convinced you won't 'survive' the experience.  At this point it helps if you can see your unconscious as a protective waiter who comes to the table and asks 'are you sure you're ready for this dish?'.  Then it brings you samples to taste - and asks if you're ready again.  The frustration is that of a hungry customer wanting the waiter to bring the full meal.

Don't worry, if you keep asking the waiter eventually brings the full meal.  Then when you've had enough the waiter takes it away again ...

"The Three Elements of Emotional Acceptance" Article

You're already demonstrating you understand this model; you know you've got trapped energy in your body that needs to be 'fed through the issue' and you've got to bring that up; you know you've got to bring yourself to accept the whole process as it happens; but I'm just wondering what the issue is: do you think it's about a fear of suffocation or more a social fear of other people closing in on you?

If you continue as you are doing you should eventually see these things appearing with more clarity. There are slight differences between obsessions and phobias - obsessions are based around 'shapes and experiences' held as reflections internally - an image will keep reappearing in the mind and an overwhelming emotional response accompanies it; with phobias  it's the same model but it only arises when you are close or know you are going to be close to these 'shapes and experiences' externally. If you can recreate that scenario strongly enough in your imagination you won't need actual lifts/planes to do the work necessary to clear the experience from your system.

Emotional Hijacking

'These setbacks include being momentarily stuck and what I call near-miss or as-if misinterpretations' - what do you mean by 'being momentarily stuck'? Do you mean not being able to think properly? That's normal - it's called 'emotional hijacking' and that's what you have to give in to.

When I (finally!) get 'the Semantic Mind' on the blog you'll be able to read more about this but basically what I say here is that the body runs the show and our job is to try and get the thinking minds to stop thinking so much and move on to allowing the body to do its job. Our minds must surrender to this hijacking for a given amount of time (as long as it takes, in fact - all judgemental self-talk gets in the way).

Trouble is it works much more slowly than our thinking minds do - for example it took 3 months of difficult daily practice for me to overcome my panic attacks and I did this by just allowing myself to 'feel' - with this I didn't get to identify the 'issue' in the Acceptance model as the issue was another emotional response so I couldn't logically identify and label it.

Much later when a single sentence popped into my mind along the lines of 'what's wrong with me?' it dawned on me that a single self-critical sentence was the cause of my panic attacks.  The interpretation that something was 'wrong' had caused a severe emotional reaction and it happened so quickly I didn't know I had caused it.  Often the thing that's 'wrong' with an emotional response, and which causes us to produce secondary blocking emotional responses in regard to it, is a belief that something is wrong.  We are socially programmed to believe that emotional responses are bad.  Inappropriate harmful external actions are bad, but the belief you must necessarily produce a harmful action as the result of a painful emotional experience is incorrect.

We can release an intense emotional issue without doing anything in the external world - we just have to be willing to endure that period of emotional hijacking.

Releasing Trapped Energy

'I try to approach elevators with mindfulness and intentions of acceptance such as: "It is OK to be stuck; I can wait it out if necessary; It is not dangerous just frustrating and uncomfortable; It is only my feeling or anxiety; Even if it is stuffy and poorly ventilated, I can still breathe if it got stuck".

So you're worried about the lift getting stuck and being unable to breathe - that seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to be afraid of; but the problem is that right now there is no current ' real problem' and you know this and need to release the energy attached to the problem that really only exists in an imagined scenario.  Here's something to think about:

I want you to imagine that at some point you had a genuine need to release a lot of energy into your body to deal with what looked like a genuine threat along the lines of the fears and issues you describe (because even though your fears are currently unfounded they are based around things we would naturally be afraid of when such things happen).  The energy produced to deal with your initial response is still trapped in your body. When you're in a similar situation now the energy inside is being told 'eh, we're near the issue' and so it wants to come out.

What you're feeling when you approach lifts/planes now is produced by your system releasing a bundle of trapped energy. The only thing you have to concentrate on thought-wise is 'I'm releasing the trapped energy' and allow it to come out for as long as it takes.  A caveat I would add to this is that there is probably a 'triggering response' set up in your unconscious mind for releasing new emotional energy but after a while this mechanism 'habituates' and stops triggering so the release of new energy stops.  The unconscious mind may be irritating, but it's not stupid - in fact in conjunction with your body it runs the whole show.

Re-Interpreting the 'Pain'

This has helped to an extent, but my intentions and supporting experience are still weaker than the pain or expectation of pain that I experienced or that I expect when my unfulfilled reaction to escape is triggered.  I even had an elevator game where I would remain on a motionless, empty elevator with the door closed for several minutes or until it was summoned'.

Lots of things to write about here!  I'm going to pick out some of your words and turn them into paragraph headings; then I'm going to talk about taking steps to re-interpret the pain in order to get your unconscious to see things in a different way - this may help it to surrender to the necessary emotional hijacking more effectively.  You have already started to do this but may not be aware of how subtle differences in the way you talk to your unconscious can make a difference.

Intentions

At this stage you should focus on a simple process: go in; experience; observe; come out.  Then do it again.  Then do it again.  Then do it again.

The intention here is to show your unconscious that what you've previously convinced it is a survival-related threat is not dangerous at all (I'm not talking here about the lifts/planes environment but your trapped emotional response itself - you have programmed your unconscious to believe releasing the emotional discharge itself is dangerous) .

Keep going in and coming out and there'll come a point when the unconscious will take over and do what needs to be done.  With your thinking mind you have hit the limit of what you can 'thoughtfully do' just by taking yourself into the response - the job of your thinking now is to observe and record information on what starts to happen.

By going in you tell the unconscious you are ready; when it really believes you it will allow emotional hijacking to take place.  By going in and then coming out again, and realising you are still alive, you reduce both the sense of threat and also start to instill a sense of having some degree of control over the process.  Achieving the understanding that 'I don't like it but I do get to have some influence over what I do with it' starts to build confidence.

As all these things progress and develop, observe.  Don't dictate what should happen with 'expectations', observe, but equally don't become self-critical over having expectations and getting frustrated they're not being met - frustration is a part of the journey.  If you observe closely enough you will see the 'little tricks' that will ensure you never suffer with this problem again.

Eventually you'll learn how it all works as opposed to how you would like it to.  One of the hardest things we have to learn here is that we are natural, organic beings first and not in control of everything.  We are not logic-based machines as our egos like to pretend we are.  Your organic body is designed to sort this kind of problem out for you, but you have to allow it to.

Supporting Experience

The only supporting experience that would have any meaning for you in this situation was if you had a professional history of observing and helping others go through the emotional healing process you're working with or if you have previously had another phobia/anxiety disorder you have healed from (as I said earlier the approach that heals one emotional disorder can be used to heal them all - they're all slightly different in flavour and certain 'tweaks' can affect one emotional disorder better than another - but the same basic approach works on all of them.

Once you've healed your phobia you will have all the experience you need to heal another one much more quickly should it ever happen again.  Don't chastise yourself for 'not knowing exactly what to do' - you don't know what you don't know until you take the learning steps that lead to knowing and the learning is an 'experiential' process rather than an intellectual one. One of the benefits (yes, there are benefits) of working through this kind of emotional blockage is you more naturally come to associate uncomfortable emotional periods with achieving unconditional happiness as a side affect and so are more willing to endure periods of discomfort for the later reward.

The Game:  'I even had an elevator game where I would remain on a motionless, empty elevator with the door closed for several minutes or until it was summoned'

I like the word 'game' you use here - this kind of remark tells me you know what you're doing and are on the right path.  Can you see the 'tone' this gives to what you're doing?


The unconscious responds not just to being 'shown' the situation is not dangerous by being taken into it repeatedly, but also to the 'tone' you communicate to yourself as you do this - even if it is a scenario taking place just in your imagination. The unconscious does best when repeatedly 'shown with tone'.

This may seem a minor thing, but it isn't. If you think of your unconscious as a toddler who you are trying to convince to sleep in a room with the lights out it's a similar conversation. The unconscious has to be gradually persuaded - tell your toddler off for not being willing to sleep in the dark room and you get exactly the opposite affect of that wanted.  When you use this kind of fun-tone in your self-talk you start to re-interpret your 'pain'.

Acceptance Power


I pick up from the things you write that you are looking for something with greater catalysing 'power' to get you through the Acceptance process more quickly (my intentions and supporting experience are still weaker than the pain or expectation of pain).  You're already aware that the standards set by your logical thinking - this thinking is based in your left neo-cortex - is struggling and frustrated by the work and this mind is telling you 'not good enough'.

But by now, as a result of the work you've done so far, you will have sensed and be curious about the 'differences' you are experiencing by deliberately going into the emotional response itself (this is the MOST powerful thing you can do, but the power of it is overwhelming and the brain translates this as 'pain' at first).

What you're looking for now is a translating method that turns what you're experiencing at the emotional level into something you can understand and adapt to at the intellectual level so you can set yourself more realistic targets (am I right?).


Re-Interpreting the Pain Using Imagery Techniques

By 'seeing it as a game' you have already started the intermediate translation process using the mind that 'sees'.  This mid-stage mind has slightly more power than the logical left neo-cortex, but still much less than the unconscious and the Semantic Mind (your body).  The mind I'm talking about here  is your pattern-making mind in your right neo-cortex.  You 'see' with this mind and if you 'see' your experience as a game you communicate strongly to your unconscious in a warmer tone.

OK, I'm going to give you a tip-top secret.  Don't share this with anyone, they won't understand how important this is and you may lose friends.

When I was working on removing my panic attacks (which, as I say, took several months) I did exactly what you're doing - minus the elevators and the planes - and in the middle of it asked my unconscious to provide me with something I could use to speed the process up.  I started to get some very strong imagery appearing and at first I didn't realise what it was - it just seemed totally unrelated.  Then it started to dawn that my unconscious had been provided 'new ways of seeing' and I'd not understood what they were for.  What I'm going to give you now is my 'Sherbet Dab' imagery technique - believe it or not this helped heal my panic attacks a lot faster.

Evaporating The Sherbet Dab Technique (don't laugh - and yes, there's a certain lady I know who's going to rib me over this one)

There used to be a sweet I ate as a child called Sherbet Dab - Sherbet is that usually yellow coloured sweet-stinging-sour-tasting sweet.  Remember it? It's still around.  Go to the sweet shop and buy some.

When this appeared for me I'd been wanting to find a way to change the 'tone' of the emotional pain I was feeling and I started to say:

when I feel the panic symptoms coming on I'm going to imagine that I'm moving into a hill of sherbet; I'm going to imagine I'm converting the sherbet into a yellow gas as I release the energy and I'm evaporating that yellow gas out into nothingness around me.  This pain isn't pain - it's a sweet and sour thing; it doesn't really hurt.  I'm just absorbing sherbet into my body, converting and releasing it.

From then on every time I started to feel the sensations of intense panic I would introduce this imagery and go further into the 'sherbet hill'.

I've never eaten so much imaginery sherbet before.  But it worked.  There are some other techniques I'll be sharing in that book I'm going to finish one day - but you've got to be open minded to use them.  One thing to learn is that when you're working with the unconscious mind you're not working with 'reality' but it's interpretation of your reflections of reality.  Tell it that pain is the releasing of a sticky sweet'n'sour energy source and it'll eventually believe you.

Anyway, it was fun while it lasted and no Sherbet Dabs were harmed during the making of that experience.  Now, take a look at the things I've just written - can you see how the 'tone' of the experience is completely changed by applying this pattern?  We even got a laugh (I did, anyway) out of it.

Give it Time

Patience is required - that's one of the more difficult lessons when healing an emotional problem because the healing hurts.  A broken leg takes about 6 weeks to heal and an emotional problem works in a similar action and time-bound way.

I had a guy telling me a while ago that emotional problems were 'abnormal' so I pointed out to him that people never regard broken legs as 'abnormal' but we've got this daft idea that emotional blocks are abnormal when I know many more people with emotional problems than I do with broken legs.

Emotional problems are even more like having broken legs than having broken legs are - they're not desirable, but they are normal, and they take time to heal.

If you're expecting your thoughts to quickly resolve an emotional problem just ask yourself how quickly would your thoughts heal a broken leg? It's the same principle. It's the action of taking yourself into the emotional response/place you fear that eventually causes the healing to occur; it just takes time. Your intention is working exactly like it should be doing.

I have been reluctant to engage a Cognitive-Behavioural therapist because I do not see how I can be assisted with this as I ultimately have to do it on my own.

I would always recommend getting good professional support if you can (depending on your available resources).

I accessed counselling support both through my GP and through work - my counsellor was a person-centred counsellor, not a CBT. My GP also arranged for me to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with a complex form of OCD and also severe depression (at the time I couldn't believe I had depression because I was so 'positive minded' but they were right; it related to a personal loss when I was in my early twenties).

When I decided to start healing (I had suffered with obsessions and panic attacks etc for more than 20 years beforeI decided to get sorted) I set myself a three month target and went to see my GP and told her my plan.  She wanted to help through the use of a psychiatrist and medication but I asked her if we could hold back on that (it actually took 3 years to heal my obsessions but that's good going - some folks remain ill permanently because they can't do the kind of self-work I did and you're doing - both my psychiatrist and my GP told me they were amazed by my progress when I started as they're used to dealing with people who are 'stuck').

Three months into my healing agenda I started to collapse with what's called the 'immobilisation response'. The immobilisation response is something that mammals do when their unconscious believes they are about to be eaten. For people it creates the sensation that your body is physically separated off from your mind - when I looked at my hands, for example, they didn't appear to be attached to my body. It's also called the 'disassociation response' and the purpose behind it is to reduce your physical pain by detaching your conscious mind's connection to your body - an impala goes through exactly the same response when attacked by a predator.

At the time I thought I was going into a diabetic coma! (I'm not diabetic but I searched it up on the internet and that was the conclusion I came to). My GP saw me straight away and explained she saw this kind of thing all the time and it was normal for someone with an anxiety problem. As soon as she explained it the whole problem disappeared of its own accord and a few weeks later my panic attacks had gone.

I did ask for a cognitive behavioural therapist myself but I don't think there was anyone local.  But to tell you the truth I'd already got my own plan together and I dare say it mirrors quite closely what a CBT would probably tell me to do (it looks as though you feel the same way).

However, having a counsellor and a GP (and for a shorter period a psychiatrist) helped me enormously - I'm going to write an article on ezinearticles about this shortly.

That's all for now, Henry.   I would love to hear of your progress (and please if anyone else wants to contact me like Henry has write to me at carl@managemesystems.com or leave a comment below).

'Keep going in, you will eventually come out'.

Regards - Carl

Suffer with Panic Attacks? Here's a useful site ...

Click here to see lots of interesting material on this site which provides a free Panic Prevention email course. I'd recommend you sign up for the free course if you have any type of anxiety related problem - not just panic attacks. There is an audio programme available for under £20 (to me that's really good value) and links to other useful material.

If you're just considering what kind of strategy might help you heal your anxiety problem I'd recommend signing up for every freebie you can get and then pick the option you feel most suited.

I've been receiving the emails from this site for a few weeks now and they know what they're talking about.

Another well-known panic attack expert is Dr Claire Weekes (I read all of her books when wanting to heal from panic attacks). There's an article in my ezinearticles list on what 'emotional acceptance' is in practical terms - which I had trouble understanding when I read her material - but I highly recommend her writing and she writes from the point of view of someone who is both an experienced doctor and a self-healed sufferer of panic attacks.

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