You Can Cope with Anything Until It Kills You and If It Does You’ll Cope with That Too - and so will everybody else

Worrying is an automatic process caused by the Unconscious where we’ve attached a lot of emotional energy to some potential negative life event.

The message we’ve given ourselves is ‘I couldn’t cope!  I couldn’t cope!  I couldn’t cope!’ and it keeps churning away inside.

Trouble is we have limited control of what happens in life when it comes to nasty surprises so our Unconscious tries to keep us negatively motivated and pre-prepared in the belief that being hyper-vigilant will give us an advantage and we may just manage to outwit reality.

It doesn’t.  It just ruins the journey of life.

To undo worrying and get rid of your repeating negative emotions either take some time out alone or talk to others and go into the scenarios underlying the immediate worrying thoughts.  Feel how you’d feel if the worst happened.  I’m not talking about just touch on the feelings and jump back - I’m talking about really going into the feelings and FEEEEEELLLL for as long as it takes.  Then you’ll see yourself come out of it and this teaches your Unconscious you actually would cope.

This releases the energy attached to your worrying thoughts - your mind is full of horrible thoughts you could be thinking about but the only ones coming up into Conscious attention are those you have emotional energy attached to - feel the energy out and the horrible thoughts disappear.

Once you’ve done this enough times worrying stops.  If you won’t do this for yourself then you’re not taking proper care of yourself - I know what this feels like because I used to have the same problem and it made me seriously emotionally ill. 

You would cope and you are coping but worrying makes it 100 times worse.  Sure, you’d have a horrible time while you coped if the thing really was to happen but by worrying you’re coping over and over again and it hasn’t even happened yet! 

The newspapers are full of negative life events showing us worst case scenarios - but they also show those who survived and those who coped with those events too.  YOU WOULD COPE!  and if you didn’t you wouldn’t care anyway.

But your Unconscious won’t believe it until it sees it so you have to spend time ‘going in’ to show it you would cope by spending time with the imagined event and the horrible feelings you release.

Then one day the Unconscious realises you would actually cope and stops trying to warn you about it.

You CAN cope with going through this process - if you’re willing to do the work.

You can cope with anything.

Regards - Carl

Stress Reduction Tip - Slow Down to Get More Done

This is another tip from Michael Neill (and although we all probably 'know' this how many of us actually do it?).

"Be quick, but don't hurry" - John Wooden

SLOW DOWN TO GET MORE DONE

When we take the pressure off ourselves to be exceptional - that is, the exception to the rule - we recognize that "good enough" is nearly always good enough, and that no matter how hard we try, we will never really be able to do more than one thing at any given time.

This does not mean we have to always go slowly - just that when we are willing to slow down, we are often able to make much quicker progress on what matters most in our lives.

Several years ago, I had child psychologist and author Alfie Kohn as a guest on my radio show. At one point, I asked him if he had any tips for how to be a more caring and effective parent when you were in a hurry. His answer, tongue only slightly in cheek, was 'don't be in a hurry.'

While I laughed at the time, the more I thought about it the more I realized what excellent advice that is, not only for parenting but for pretty much any area of our lives.

When we are in a hurry, we tend to get sloppy and things go undone or worse still, half-done. Our best intentions often go out the window and our values shift, expediency and 'getting stuff done' leapfrogging their way up the list above such old-fashioned priorities as treating people with respect, doing things right the first time and even enjoying the process.

Stress is a hurrier's constant companion, as there's never enough time and there's always too much to do with it. As time gets short, tempers get shorter, and a frayed nerve often snaps in the face of a loved one.

While there are any number of 'outside-in' approaches to getting more done with less stress, effective time management evolves naturally out of our understanding of the 6th secret:

No matter what seems to be going on in our lives,
we don't have to do anything.

"That's insane", one client told me when I first introduced this idea. "I don't know about you, but I have to go to work in the morning."

"Do you?" I responded. "What would happen if you didn't?"

"If I didn't go to work, then I'd lose my job!"

Ignoring the likely fallacy of that statement, I continued.

"So you choose to go to work because you want to keep your job?"

"Fair enough," he said, though he didn't look happy about it. "But I have to eat! If I don't eat, I'll die!"

"OK," I replied. "So you choose to eat because you want to live?"

The reality is, every single thing you do or don't do is a choice. And while personally I'm a big fan of making choices that lead to things like money and food, nowadays in most cultures you don't even have to do that to survive. If you never got up from where you're sitting right now, someone would eventually come to check on you, if only to find out what that extraordinary smell was.

And at that point, if you continued to choose not to move or speak or feed yourself, some other people, (usually dressed in white with friendly smiles and a lot of upper body strength) would come by and scoop you up, give you new clothes to wear and a lovely padded room to live in. They would even feed you more than enough to stay alive, though admittedly the quality of that life would be somewhat less than what you are probably accustomed to.

So the corollary to our secret ("you don't have to do anything") is this:

Everything that you do (or don't do) is a choice.
Given that, why would anyone ever choose to do anything they didn't want to do?

Two reasons:

1. Because they think it's necessary to do that thing in order to get or maintain something that they want

2. In order to live up to an idea or ideal of how they think they're supposed to be in the world

In other words, we do what we do (and don't do what we don't do) either because we want to, because we think it is a pre-requisite towards getting something else that we want (i.e. because we "have" to), or because we think it will make us into the kind of person we want to be (i.e. because we "should").

The question 'why?' gets a bad name in some coaching circles because when it's asked about anything which happened in the past, the answer is invariably a story filled with confabulations that could usefully be edited down to the phrase "because it seemed like a good idea at the time".

But when we ask the question in the present about what we are planning for the future, we quickly get an insight into our motivation.

If we hear a lot of 'need to', 'have to' and 'musts', we may have fallen into the trap of thinking there's something we have to do to survive. If there are lots of justifications and rationalizations, chances are we're doing something because we think it will help us to reinforce our self-image or live into the kind of person we 'should' be. But when the answer is some variation on 'because I want to', chances are that we are following our inner wisdom.

The more quickly you can recognize the difference, the easier it will be to recognize it as a choice and if you want to, choose something different.

Today's Experiment:

1. What are the three things which you most urgently need to get done?

2. For each of those things, ask yourself the following questions:
• What would happen if I did (get it done)?
• What would happen if I didn't?
• What wouldn't happen if I did?
• What wouldn't happen if I didn't?
3. Experiment with putting each of the following sentence starters before each task on your to-do list this week. Notice how each one makes you feel and whether it inspires you to take positive action:
• I have to...
• I should...
• I want to...
• In this moment, I choose...
Example:

My task is to finish the Christmas shopping. Here's how my experiment might look...

I have to finish the Christmas shopping. (Feels true, but icky)

I should finish the Christmas shopping. (Still feels true, feels not only icky but less likely to happen than before)

I want to finish the Christmas shopping. (Actually, this is true as well. Feels true, but not necessarily imminent)

In this moment, I choose to leave the Christmas shopping until tomorrow, at which point I'll be able to get it done with a minimum of bother. (Ah, peace... :-)

Have fun, learn heaps, happy holidays, and happy exploring!

With love,
michael


Copyright © 2008 Michael Neill. All Rights Reserved
MNCT 640
Slow Down to Get More Done
December 22, 2008

Stress Management in a Recession - A Simple Technique

I think this is a tough technique to learn.  I've been affected by recession twice in my lifetime - for 3 years when I was 19 in the 1980's and couldn't get a job (not even a floor-scrubbing job) and ended up doing voluntary work that eventually led to working as a nightclub doorman and then as a full-time postal delivery worker.  Then I had another period of two years in the 1990's where I decided to go into full-time education for two years after being laid off from Raleigh (the UK bicycle makers where I used to be a frame assembler).

I never looked back after those two years in college training as a secretary - but it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't changed my mindset - the first recession I saw my situation as 'disastrous' and the stress made me ill, the second recession I saw as an opportunity to do something more in line with who I was.

At first the technique described in the video may appear too simplified for some - but what it clearly explains is that most of our stress and anxieties are built around things that have not yet actually happened.  That scenario building mechanism in our heads known as the 'imagination' can be our best friend, or our worst enemy

We must deliberately take steps to reduce our stress-related thinking (for most of us 'catastrophisation' is a natural inclination and although designed by nature to protect us against potential dangers it can turn against us unless we deliberately work at separating real threats from imaginary ones).

I would also recommend this technique for changing your stress levels when thinking other people 'may' be thinking or saying unpleasant things about you behind your back - it doesn't matter whether or not they actually are - it's more important you don't think they are!  When it comes to negative stuff deal with what is actually happening, rather than what you  imagine could be happening - and foster a habit of building positive possibilities in the imagination - I think that's the underlying principle here.

Hope you find it useful.

Stress Management in a Recession - Tips To Reduce Your Stress