This post relates to the previous posts I've made on Assertiveness and Abusive relationships. In the previous four posts I’ve discussed various aspects of abusive relationships, including such things as:
* Psychological abuse
* Abusers who won’t see themselves as abusers
* Victims who won’t see themselves as victims
and a variety of different aspects of those situations.
In this post we look at the question of ‘how do I bring my relationship management system under control so I can avoid becoming involved in abusive relationships as either victim or abuser?’
I’m going to get a bit technical as I write about:
* Establishing a Relationship Control System
Then I’ll sound a bit less technical when I write about:
* The Third Relationship
finally I get a bit chatty when I write about:
* The ‘Me Club’.
Establishing a Relationship Control System
Control when applied to any system has the following four steps:
* Establish and apply a set of standards to the desirable outputs and outcomes you want to achieve through the system
* Run the system and produce the outputs and outcomes
* Measure and compare the actual outputs and outcomes against the planned desired outputs and outcomes
* Adjust the system accordingly where the actual results are different from the planned
... rinse and repeat.
OK, that was the simple four step system. Here comes the messy stuff:
If you’ve read my posts on Desirable Outputs and Outcomes you’ll know that Outputs are ‘things’ and Outcomes are ‘affects’. In work relationships I’d say ‘things’ in terms of facts and figures and products are good things to focus on but in personal relationships if you’re thinking about ‘things I want’ that could be a bit shallow. Still, each to their own. As long as you’re honest with the people you relate to in this way and they’re of a same mind it could work. ‘Desirable’ doesn’t mean you have to have exactly what you’re looking for – there always needs to be room for compromise. Let’s talk about setting realistic standards by establishing a 'range'.
Setting Realistic Standards
When we set standards, particularly for ‘soft skills’ areas such as relationships, it’s important to establish a realistic ‘range’. Let's face it, relationships aren't perfect (and if you think they are, well, that could be the problem).
A Standards Range
Draw three horizontal parallel lines equal distances apart and you've drawn a range diagram. The middle line is the 'median' and this line is the 'perfect relationship' line for you. It could include things like 'we share our deepest concerns and joys' or 'we are always honest with each other and respect each others' needs'.
The upper line is the upper limit of 'best behaviour. That could include something along the lines of: always supportive and senses when I need supporting. Outside the upper limit, however, could be: in my face when I've asked for some alone-time; acting jealous of another friend.
The bottom line is the lower limit of 'worst behaviour'. This line could include: not speaking to me after a disagreement (I always feel the true test of a genuine relationship comes after a disagreement has arisen). Below the line might be: avoiding me; continuously being aggressive.
Where we or the other people concerned consistently go outside these limits we should maybe consider ending the relationship. Because we're all individuals our range will be different (and it will be different at different times of our lives too).
Questions we may ask include such things as ‘does this person have a positive view of me’ or ‘does this person share my views of how life works?’ In the context of setting (our environment) we then look at what affects they have on us emotionally (or our productivity levels if it’s a work relationship).
The range is something you must decide on – but you want a range that gives you similar rights others have yet with enough flexibility to be pushed temporarily to the limit every now and again. If you go too narrow on your range you’ll end up 'Billy No Mates'.
There may be times, however, when you deliberately set your range narrower or wider according to your personal plans. You may want to experiment with a new social circle and take the risk of bringing in unknown influences and that’s fine – as long as you remain aware you control the range and can alter your relationship system accordingly.
The value of a relationship, however, is not really determined by the range - it is determined by the level of commitment by those involved in maintaining the standards set by the range. When we are truly committed to the success of a relationship we will adapt our behaviours so they fall within the agreed range. The controlling range in any relationship only works if everyone is aware of what the range is and is willing to adjust where they have gone outside the range.
In work these’ ranges’ are described in written job descriptions and discussed in meetings. If someone turns up for their office job in a see-through leotard no-one is surprised when this is described as being outside the mutually agreed range (although I’m sure there are professions where such clothing is obligatory).
In our informal relationships – to establish trust and control – we still need to have a similar understanding of what the acceptable behavioural range is. Everyone involved needs to stick to it as much as possible and be willing to end the relationship if necessary where others are unable to comply.
Where a person refuses to even discuss the range, and particularly if when you say you don’t like the way you’re being treated you’re told 'you know where the door is', you should perhaps end the relationship. The relationship does not actually exist if the person you are attempting to relate to is not relating.
Whatever range of standards you set for a relationship the number one standard is that you are relating well. This creates trust and trust is fundamental in all our relationships. (Here's a tip: A mistrusting person is not to be trusted - I have ended numerous relationships without regret due to my being mistrusted without cause; such treatment can have you doubting yourself).
Anyway – decide what your standards are and create a range – adjust it as you go but make sure no matter what happens you remain aware you have the ability to create the range and stick to it in different relationship contexts. It wouldn’t hurt to draw it and think about it I suppose.
Run the System and produce the outputs and outcomes
Here we are into the ‘processes’ part of system thinking and when running a new system this means doing things we haven’t done before. This could mean taking risks such as talking about difficult areas that could end the relationship if it's going wrong. You must not be afraid to have this happen. Relationships in which we are not related to can have a damaging affect on the way we relate to ourselves.
In a truly honest and trusting relationship you will be able to use simple assertive behaviour to say you feel hurt by something or uncomfortable about something and the other person will accept your right to say this. Not only will they accept it - they will WANT to hear it. Nothing reassures more than knowing someone cares enough to say 'I am concerned about the way the relationship is going ...'
In relationships the process is a process of accepting the need to relate. You don’t want the relating process to be about negative stuff all the time: it should be 90% positive (let’s say). And when you do have to give negative feedback you could use the good news/bad news/good news sandwich technique:
I like you loads because ...
But I can’t stand it when ...
But I like you even more because ...
(that sometimes works but it is a bit manipulative, eh?).
Measure and compare the actual outputs and outcomes against the planned desirable outputs and outcomes and Adjust the system accordingly where the actual results are different from the planned
What a mouthful.
In terms of Systems we’re now looking at the feedback cycle – if you’ve spent some time with a friend what was the overall result? How are they treating you? Do you feel better or worse for their company when compared to how you feel when with others or alone? How do they react to you?
Are you of benefit to them? I have several times ended a relationship on behalf of others – where they displayed behaviours suggesting they wanted to end a relationship with me but did not have the ability to say so. Strangely enough these folks sometimes come back after me asking for a continuation of the relationship even though they know it is imbalanced and don't really want it anyway. This is the nature of emotional attachment - it's a bit sticky.
So, having got your actual results you compare this to the expected and see how you’re doing (and discuss this with other people in the relationship). Maybe your environment needs changing; maybe you need help from others in sorting the relationship out. Relationships as systems are cyclical and it can take a few turns of the cycle before it's working to plan.
One thing I’ll mention here while we’re looking at comparing actual results with planned outputs and outcomes is the use of ‘Comparators’.
Using Comparators
'Comparators' are comparison tools we use for measuring actual results against planned results (we also call them benchmark tools). In manufacturing it might be a set of design specs but in relationships it would be a matter of comparing new relationships to other similar relationship types.
The problem is you don’t know what you don’t know so if you’ve never had a truly loving personal relationship and instead have had a string of abusive relationships that’s all you’ll know. Reverse that pattern - ie have a loving relationship for ten years and then find yourself in an abusive one and boy you'll be out of there fast. The truth is you can have any relationship you want as long as you're willing to say 'no' to the bad ones. It helps if you actively look for good ones that other people have and use their relationship models as the standard for yours. But this means having to be disciplined and going without what you don't want first.
If you have an abusive relationship and then find yourself being treated really well in a different setting you’ll start to wonder why the people in one setting treat you well whilst the people in another setting treat you badly and then it’ll dawn: ‘it’s not me’.
Develop a set of ‘relationship comparators’ and set the better comparators as your standard range. Nice relationships all round, if you please.
Right, I’m bored writing about system talk. Let’s write about The Third Relationship Model.
The Third Relationship Model (cue Twilight Zone music – doo doo doo doo)
This model takes the view that in all relationships there are at least three dynamic viewpoints:
Dynamic Viewpoint One
A to B: John relates to Margot and believes the relationship works on the basis of one set of principles, expectations and plans only he holds in his head - a subjective, emotionally driven belief system.
Dynamic Viewpoint Two
B to A: Margot relates to John and believes the relationship works on the basis of another set of principles, expectations and plans only she holds in her head - also a subjective, emotionally driven belief system.
Dynamic Viewpoint Three
C to AB: C is an external viewpoint looking at the way John and Margo are actually relating to each other - an objective, unemotional viewpoint - this viewpoint looks at the Third Relationship. The Third Relationship is the ACTUAL relationship (PS The Systems Approach Model is the Ultimate Third Relationship Model - I just had to say that here, ahem).
If you’re unaware of the Third Relationship it can take you by surprise. Be advised that Third Relationships are everywhere. At work; with your parents; with your lover. There’s what you think is going on; there’s what they think is going on; then there’s what is ACTUALLY going on.
If you can tune into this model before you even start a relationship, and discuss it with the other person involved, that’s great. If not you may need to get a relationship counsellor to sit in the position of the Third Relationship Viewpoint to tell you what they see (they’re trained to be impartial and they’re really good at it – by the way, in business they call these folks Consultants!).
By working on developing your ‘Relationship Control System’ I’ve yapped on about up above this is what you’re actually developing – a Third Relationship Viewpoint you carry round with you so you act objectively instead of subjectively – this can lead you to having nicer, more wholesome relationships.
Finally ...
The ‘Me Club’
I read about the ‘Me Club’ somewhere else a few years ago and can’t remember where, so if you know the source please let me know and I’ll put it in the post. It obviously had the desired affect as I've been running a 'Me Club' every since and it really works for me. Here’s how it goes:
* Imagine yourself as a nightclub called the ‘Me Club’
* There are rules in this club and you stick to them and your guests must also stick to them (your guests are people you relate to).
* You want to treat your guests the best you can and you want them to do the same for you. Whilst you will allow minor transgressions anyone who refuses to obey the rules of the club or forces you to behave in such a way that you find yourself not sticking to the rules of the club when they're around is required to leave - and you make sure they do as respectfully as possible.
The ‘Me Club’ starts with you sitting alone, thinking about what kind of ‘Club’ you want to be, and inviting like minded guests. Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of people out there who want to join on your Club's terms and conditions.
Actually I think that just about sums it up. Maybe I should have just written about the 'Me Club' and left it at that.
ps I'll be putting some separate posts in with some useful links relating to this subject matter later.
If you liked anything/didn't like anything or are the originator of the 'Me Club' idea please post below.
:)
