Hatred as an Attachment Removal System

'I have to stay busy or the mental chatter just kicks in - I'm talking to her ... trying to figure out how to convince her to treat me with respect.  Two hours every Saturday morning for the past two years it's been happening.  It's like she's there, glaring at me with that mocking smile of hers, knowing I desperately want the relationship to work, whatever form our relationship takes ... she knows I'm terrified of losing our son.  I can't figure out what I did to deserve how she sees me.  What's most frightening is I get the sense I still love her and I don't want to.  I need not to, but it's not happening for me.  I'm not moving on.


Did you notice how I said 'our' son, as though I still think we're in this together?  I can't seem to get it into my head we're not working this out 'together'.  I'm stood in an empty kitchen, on a Saturday morning, talking to her, trying to figure it out with her.  When she's not really there.  Am I nuts or what?


I tell her how important she is to me - we created our son, Ryan, together and it was very special for me and the last thing I want is to fight with her.  I tell her I accept she's with another man - that's her right - but I'm asking her wouldn't it be best if we were friends and doesn't Ryan need his real father?

I remember how our hands tightened together when Ryan took his first breath. It was a special moment, you know?  She gave me one of the biscuits the midwife brought with her cup of tea ...  she said I needed it more than she did, ha.  I 've noticed I keep making excuses for her; I can't seem to get out of the habit of wanting to defend her side of things but the trouble is her side of things is targeted at me.  She hates my guts in reality but I've got this glowing image of her.  I can't seem to face up to what she's actually doing.  I pace up and down the kitchen trying to figure it out.  This goes on for ages and then at some point it dawns on me I'm arguing with a kitchen sink.  You know she took Ryan and went to live abroad with her boyfriend, right?

I've had one phone call from Ryan in the past two years but I blew it, as usual.  On the phone I heard Ryan calling him dad ... you know, the boyfriend?  I heard my son call him dad ... I think she did that.  So I asked Ryan if she did that and he turns to her and asks, straight out, 'he wants to know if you've told me to call Simon daddy' and she put the phone down ... that's two years ago now.


So it's every Saturday morning for two hours at a time.  How the hell do I stop it?  I feel like I want to hate her but I can't and if I did what kind of person would that make me?






The Systematic Purpose of Hate

It's a mistake to think hating always means:

• we are going to take harmful external action (we could end up doing this impulsively if we deny our hateful feelings)


• we are going to deliberately move from a relatively pleasant current emotional state to a more painful one (we either hate already or we don't because hate is an emotionally driven response - we cannot move from a pleasant emotional state to a hateful state by conscious choice)


• by hating we are refusing to forgive (not true - the hating process is actually a part of the forgiveness journey - you must first focus on the hated issue you are forgiving, and fully acknowledge you hate the issue, before moving on to the forgiveness state)


• hating means we are 'bad' people (it is a normal human reaction - it's how we interpret it and what we do about it that matters).

Hate's purpose is to prevent, dissolve or destroy our emotional bonds and dependencies with people who's behaviour or presence encroaches on our personal needs beyond a tolerable threshold. It is a normal territory-protection response and all people have access to it.

We can hate a type of behaviour (bullying, for example, or even a child preventing us from getting to sleep) but still love the person; we may hate ourselves when in the presence of someone who we don't hate directly (such as a friend who makes us feel inadequate in some way).  In such cases we may try to reduce the affects these things have on us, or open up and adjust to their presence.  But, nevertheless, we hate and we make choices based on our hates.

What leads to harm is the refusal to allow the process to do its job.  It is a painful process that becomes harmful only when we resent it and want to project that resentment outwards onto others.  We turn it into something harmful when we blame others for its existence and send it out into the world as revenge, an external action intended to cause harm.

When the Context Confuses Us

We accept hate easily when the context is acceptable to us - aren't we happy to hate the affects of famine on children, for example?

But how do we react when someone we love turns out to be abusive or displays contempt towards us without apparent just cause?  Do we walk away easily, or do we find ourselves fighting to detach from the pain while still coming back for more in the hope of a return to the treatment that brought us together in the first place?   What keeps us there?

In their book 'How to Mend Your Broken Heart' Paul McKenna and Hugh Willbourn discuss how the creator of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) - Richard Bandler - discovered that people in love see their pleasant memories from the inside of the experience; from the point of view we had at the time of being in love.  But when thinking about the bad experiences in the relationship we see these things as though we are outside of ourselves looking in.  As though it were happening to someone else.

In order to remove the emotional bonds connecting us to a relationship that no longer serves us (and which often, in fact, no longer exists) we have to flip this model around. For someone still in love this can be a difficult thing to achieve - particularly if it means betraying cherished memories.  Unfortunately what we want to do is not always what we need to do.  As a systematic approach hating might look like this:

Establish a Safe Environment

Do the work when not  in contact with the person concerned as there may be a risk of making the mistake of raising emotional issues with them as they arise.  Set aside some private time for the work and make a commitment to reducing distractions and seeing the work through.  This is painful stuff if you are still in love with someone and need to nullify your feelings for them.

Desirable Outputs and Outcomes

The desired output will be something along the lines of emotional detachment and removal of any undecided emotionally driven internal arguments or emotional baggage.  Desirable outcomes including feeling free enough to move on with your life with a clear conscience and having a better overall understanding of your detachment process.  You will leave the process feeling as though you are on your own side and liking the new you at the other end of the process.  You will also remove the need to 'figure things out' by removing the emotional drives that push you into this trap.

Inputs

Your pleasurable memories and as many unpleasant memories as are available will act as your inputs.  I recommend you read 'How To Mend Your Broken Heart' (link below) as the book gives many exercises and explanations for different stages of the detachment process.

Process

Enter your pleasurable memories - start by enjoying them but then focus on the negative aspects of your ex's behaviour and how they have betrayed your love etc.  'How to Mend Your Broken Heart' recommends you drain these images of colour in your mind.  Now focus on the negative memories and tell yourself how this is their true behaviour.  Release any anger or pain associated with them by imagining they are there with you repeating their original behaviour now.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings in the safe environment (never try to communicate these feelings to the target person or to anyone else involved in the actual relationship - it can only cause harm).

Repeat the process until the pleasant memories have been wiped clear and until you have gone through the hating process to such an extent you're in no doubt you are better off without that person as a part of your intimate life.  Make sure you come down on your side of any arguments or criticisms that arise during the process - you must do this deliberately.

Actual Outputs and Outcomes and the Feedback Cycle

Have you stopped the mental chatter or is there more work to do?  Repeat the act of going into the process at intervals you feel can be safely managed and until all feelings of attachment and hatred/rage have cleared.

Eventually you will be neither hateful nor loving - you will be emotionally neutral and able to move on.

Don't like this article or found it useful?  Please leave a comment below.

Regards.

Carl

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