I had removed 27 obsessions, 14 phobias and a number of other layered, intense secondary emotional responses, all of which had been triggered by the desire to fight the affects of this singular place in my mind. They had done a good job of masking it from me – but now I was back facing the original, apparently unsolvable problem. What I mentally paid attention to was not under my direct control. Control of my attention mechanism had literally been taken off me.
The idea you cannot control what you pay attention to and that when it grabs your attention there is nothing, apart from temporary distraction, to relieve the pressure, is a very frightening experience.
The feeling for me came in the centre of my brain - some irresistible force grabbing the backs of my eyeballs and physically turning their attention to look at horrific imagery and my body felt ‘pushed’ towards taking action – but there was nothing to do.
I had received this experience after, would you believe, reading a newspaper article about someone being harmed and killed by a gang. I had imagined the same thing happening to someone I personally cared about and the emotional responses were so strong it had conveyed a sense of reality to my Unconscious mind. This was so effective my body was reacting as though the event were happening right now – but there was no event.
I felt stupid about the self-sabotaging problem I had created using just my own imagination but I had no idea how to undo the affects and there was no help I could see to explain the solution to me. In fact any information I could get back then pretty much confirmed the condition was permanent and I was doomed.
I had read the triggering newspaper article when I was 21 and it had taken less than the a couple of days for the compulsive response to kick in and for me to establish the secondary emotional layers to begin fighting it.
The compulsive physical urge my compulsion produced was to get up and search the building I was in to find the person being hurt and physically stop the gang from hurting them.
So here I was, after over two decades of putting up with the emotional blocks and spending several years clearing them – right back at square one facing the compulsive urge and the feeling of its fierce grip in the middle of my brain turning my attention to look at things I did not wish to look at.
If you have read books on OCD or obsessions you may have read about how this is a ‘thinking’ problem. So I am looking at my problem wondering what part of my thinking is turning my attention to look at the imagery over and over again and I notice there is no thinking I can immediately see.
I feel the pressure to look in the middle of my brain. Thinking does not feel like anything and the thinking brain does not feel. Feeling is an emotional problem. Feeling is an energy problem. The great news about an energy problem is if you remove the energy through feeling you remove the problem.
So I entered the feelings gripping the middle of my brain, forcing my attention to look, and over a couple of days this feeling started to reduce and the imagery in the background (in what I call the Reflection) behind this grabbing sensation started to come up, as did several other feelings.
I agreed to feel everything – and I agreed with the imagery and how I felt about that imagery but to do all this all I needed to do was find the feelings and go into them.
You know what? Over several weeks I lost that compulsive urge to look. I can still have those horrible thoughts and images – but I do not have the compulsive urge to keep looking at them. No urge to look, no need to search buildings, no gang to fight off, nobody being hurt.
If you have a compulsion you feel grips in the middle of your brain and it is a feeling you can go into I suggest you regard that is an energy problem and not a thinking problem. Relieve the energy, relieve the problem.
Go in and you just could end up, to your surprise, coming out.
Regards - Carl
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