Remove the Social Acid Called Shame from Your Life

'Beware those big bouncing balls of blame
cuz if they hit you
you'll die of shame'

Found a good article below by Jane Straus about the difference between guilt and shame.  Guilt is useful, shame isn't.  Guilt is what we do to ourselves (quite rightly, sometimes) when we allow our impulsiveness get the better of us and need to adjust but shame is often what others do to us. 

Shame is about social rejection and isolation and it's an extremely painful experience.  Remain in a state of 'shame' long enough and you start to accept that you're 'not good enough' - and the whole world will agree with you because other people will do anything to avoid wearing the veil of shame themselves.

I've sat in many a meeting created to resolve a problem but which turned into a 'who's gonna take the blame and shame' party.  Who will play the scapegoat?  Who will feel bad so that others don't have to?

Shame is a strange social game that can have long-term and sometimes tragic consequences.  And it's very rarely based on morality.  An example I saw of this recently was in a supermarket where a teenage boy, part of a large family waiting at a checkout, was making a loud nuisance of himself and the boy's father told him to behave. Big mistake. The whole family, including the mother, erupted at the father and screamed at him for 'bullying' the boy.  You could see the shame on the father's face - he didn't know where to put it.

Single parents (mainly women) are very sensitive to comments about their single status because of the shame lying in wait for them from the narrow-minded (although that's not as heavy duty as it used to be).

Quite a lot of our national media is concerned with naming and shaming individuals for mass market approval - we are programmed to identify and throw to the lions anyone who fits the bill - as long as it's not us.

Like all emotional responses shame can be removed by going into the feelings attached to the response and challenging the negative thinking involved with a different viewpoint.  You may not be able to get others to 'forgive' you but you can certainly learn to forgive yourself (in most cases there's nothing to forgive - they're just passing the buck of responsibility to you because they can't bare to feel the guilt that's rightfully their's).

Regards - Carl

Guilt V. Shame

By Jane Straus

What is the difference between guilt and shame and why is the distinction crucial for our emotional and spiritual health? It’s invaluable to discern the difference between guilt and shame so that we can respond appropriately in situations and can ask others to respond to us appropriately and fairly also. It’s also vital that we know whether we are feeling bad because of something we have done or because we have simply gotten into the habit of feeling bad.

Guilt is something our conscience compels us to feel when we have acted in a way that is not in alignment with our own moral compass. If we believe in being honest and we lie, we will feel guilty (even if we justify it as a “white lie” to ourselves or others). If we believe in the Golden Rule, “Do unto others…,” we will feel guilty if we treat someone disrespectfully or unfairly. In guilt, we feel bad about what we have done, not who we are. We are able to distinguish between the goodness of who we fundamentally are and the mistake we have made that requires correction/amends/asking forgiveness.

Shame is a different experience. When we feel shame, it is not for what we have done, not for a particular behavior, but for who we are. When in shame, we want to hide; we feel that we don’t deserve love or respect. Shame is often a pervasive experience that we don’t recognize within ourselves. Shame can feel quite “normal.”

When we feel ashamed, we emit a certain aura/vibe/energy. Others who pick up on this energy may misinterpret it and assume that we have behaved badly, causing them to overreact or for us to believe we deserve excessive punishment. We may not recognize the ways we carry and show our shame and wonder why others are so hard on us. This is how others mirror our beliefs about ourselves and why it’s so important to heal our shame.

Shame can cause us to continue to act in ways that lead us to feeling guilty. So guilt and shame are part of a vicious cycle. How can we heal our shame?

1. The first step in breaking the cycle is learning to discern between guilt and shame. The following are the chief symptoms of shame. If you can identify with even one of these points, you are likely to be living in shame.

• Comparing ourselves to others and finding ourselves always falling short

• Embarrassment when we receive compliments

• A general sense of unworthiness

• Distrust that others truly like us or respect us—“waiting for the other shoe to drop” in every relationship

• Accepting excessive blame—more than a situation warrants

• Continually behaving in ways that go against our own standards of behavior

• Feeling bad about certain thoughts, even when we have no intention of acting on these thoughts

2. The second step is to look at your recent “wrongs” objectively. What triggered those behaviors? What did you do about rectifying your actions? Did you over-apologize? Did you allow someone to verbally or physically punish you for your behavior? If you overcompensated in any way, then you are carrying shame, not just guilt, and you are doing yourself harm.

3. The third step is to retrace your path to where the shame started. Often, shame starts in childhood when a trusted adult shames us for something outside of our control: our sexuality, our intelligence, the way we spoke or dressed, a behavior we didn’t know wasn’t okay. Children soak up shame easily.

4. See the past with your adult eyes. Would you want to shame a child for what you feel shameful about? Let the child within you know that it was not his/hers to carry and that you release him/her from the shame now.

For more understanding about guilt and shame and to discover how to thrive, order Jane Straus’s book, Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life, available at online bookstores. You can also log onto www.stopenduring.com to read more about Jane’s enlightening ideas, listen to interviews with her, preview one of her seminars, or sign up for personal coaching with Jane. To enjoy her frequent pearls of wisdom, register online for her free e-newsletter.

About the Author: Jane Straus is a life coach and author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. Read more, listen to interviews, preview her seminar, or sign up for personal coaching at http://www.stopenduring.com. Sign up for her free enewsletter to enjoy her pearls of wisdom.

Source: www.isnare.com

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